Bewildered

I don't normally add a photo and then comment, but I couldn't resist this, and yes, I'm going to get sentimental. I've said numerous times that I am being broken in India, and that for once, I never know what's going on. I have found the perfect word: clueless. Indeed that is what I am in India. For some time now in India, I've been wondering to myself if I actually enjoy myself here. I am used to feeling needed in places, and I'm also used to attention, I won't deny that fact, especially to those who know me well. At CSB, I know many people and I was diversely spread out among both campuses, so I was always doing something, and I thrived on that. On the Navajo reservation this summer, I was constantly with the youth or the community members or the teens or the kids, and it was tiring but oh so satisfying. No matter how much I complained about being exhausted, I breathed that in. Here in India, yes I am terribly busy and I know that I am needed here, but for some reason it's not the same. India has shown me that life is not about being constantly recognized for what you do. The Lord especially has shown this to me as well. I'm so used to greeting people on the sidewalks and asking how their Spanish or O-Chem test went. Here in India, I'm just one of those white people, and although this seems sad, it is perfect for me. It's so good for me to not have that attention of people knowing me. When I'm at Prayasam, the work that I'm doing doesn't always seem evident to me. I'm so accustomed to doing service and seeing automatic results. This doesn't happen when you're categorizing and entering books into a computer in the library, but it is still just as beneficial.

If you know me, you know that I am a clever person, or at least I like to think so. I always seem to have an answer for everything, and I'm pretty quick to snap back with my witty and biting sarcasm. However, India has taken my breath away. I talk ALL THE TIME. Here in India, I don't always know what to say or how to respond. Yes, I do dole out my fair share of sarcasm banter, but I still find myself befuddled. I love this, because it is so different from what I know about home. When people ask me to explain India to them or to tell them about my week over skype, I never know what to say. How can I adequately explain India to those who are not here?I will never do India justice, and for this I am forever sorry. For those who know me, maybe it is enough to know that for someone such as myself who always has a response, India has my tongue. Touche India, Touche.